Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
Hypothetical question: how bad would bacardi be as an IV drip?
death...100% death...what r u planning.
Remember how I haven't seen my step sister in like 7 years? Pretty sure I just made out with her...
I really just want to stuff him in my purse, take him home, feed him pudding or applesauce and brush his hair. That's not creepy, right?
How do I tell my Dad that in the picture he has of me and my brother as the background of his phone we were both rolling face on ecstasy?
Scary. I thought trees were a lie and that someone ha permanently stenciled them into my life. No joke.
I'm still drunk. it's summer. I just need a hot dog and an aspirin.
I feel like weed makes my smarter. I'm watching the stocks and the way I understand if, do not invest in Yahoo right now because they are not fit for that.
My mouth is so dry that I'm about to put a straw in a jar of Vaseline and chug. This all addi diet definitely has its ups and downs.
I woke up sandwiched between them, all of us naked, and they were just sharing a cigarette, a donut, and the paper like it was just some normal post-threesome Sunday brunch.
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
I know he's only a bandaid for my emotional disrepair, but he can stick me anytime!!
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
So now your dad has seen my tits. You could have told me he was coming by to help paint.
I didn't think you'd be painting the kitchen topless.
I couldn't find a shirt I was willing to ruin.
It's like every time I'm baked I discover my fingers all over again.
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