Woke up on the floor with my glow stick in one hand & dollar bills in the other. Good. Morning.
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
Still bad at ganbling. Still good at dringing.
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
She just told me she's too full for a reach-around. Sad.
i saw the poster for your lost tequila... what a shame
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
Just remember, if we get caught, you're deaf and I don't speak English.
I spent $31 at mcdonalds last night. Threw my nuggets all over the yard, ate them out of the snow, picked a fight about it, vomited, then passed out.
Naked.
Didn't have the heart to tell him that while he was eating my ass I was laughing, not moaning, into the pillow
I am buying anal lube, an enema, and a bag of kit kats. What part of this is compelling the Walgreens woman to tell me to "be well".
Thank you for holding my butt in a non-sexual manner when its cold. I appreciate you and your warm hands.
Girl you're stalking so hard you're gonna know both their social security numbers soon
Yes I went home with her last night. I woke up this morning and ran into my boss on the way to the bathroom. Monday is going to suck at work.
Randomize
