but the lizard people decide everything anyway
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
She took the bride and groom figures and the top layer of their cake and tried to walk out of the reception with it in her purse.
I have so much shit FLYING through my head. They're all in magic carpets and everything
So I think before Superbowl weekend begins we should all take a look back on last year and learn from our pitfalls... AKA no touchdown shots and kitchen crying.
No more twerking this week. I think I dislocated a boob.
is it too soon to tell him I'm available anytime for Christmas themed pity sex and I'll even wear a Santa hat?
I was out of breath when we were getting started and he offered me his inhaler so he's a keeper
it was the kind of sex that I don't even know how my hair extentions are still in
Sometimes I just take my boobs out of my shirt so they can get some fresh air
So I woke up this morning to find my laptop open, with a google search for "where to buy marble", and a hungover naked northern girl in my bed who told me that I claimed to be a sculptor last night and that I promised to sculpt a bust of her hands...
I wore my lizzie mcguire socks to the bar last night. Because that's how i get all the ladiez
I can see. My condolences to your vagina.
Randomize
