Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
i think i have herpe
just one?
my ass hurt today after the party last night. I wnt to the doctors and they found a coin in a ziplock bag with a note from you. WHAT THE FUCK DID U DO TO ME???
today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
Its the Friday before break. There are 20 kids in my 300 person lecture hall. All with the same what the fuck am I doing here look on there face.
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
we can't become the bulimic house in the complex dude. Besides, you need teeth for your career.
Any night you end up on the couch next to the trash can with a bag of white wine on your head is a rough night.
Also when they left they could only find one sock between the two of them. Apparently we're like crazy sock ripping vixens when we bring guys home drunk
I always congratulate people on their vaginal emancipation.
Why is my car covered in what appears to be salsa verde?
The parents I babysit for are at this orgy. I need to leave.
If I were better looking, this would be the point where I'd resign myself to stripping.
Wanna see if we can get cut off at bdubs again? The same hipster manager that is younger than us is working again
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
Randomize
