Im gonna name my vag after egypt, "the valley of kings"
They're having chugging contests. With juice. Please get me out of Utah.
drunk me is my new role model. he's fearless. like not even afraid of tornadoes.
This lady in my dui class just asked what patron was. I feel like she doesn't belong here
The stripper was waving you to the stage, not up on the stage. That's why you got choked out.
His and hers buttplugs were a resounding success. Tru luv
YOU LET ME GO HOME WITH CREEPY RON JEREMY?!?
...and?
I hate when you're right.
Last thing I remember was a hand in the pants. Then I woke up next to a full beer and a McDouble, which I promptly had for breakfast.
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
I'm so jealous of your sex life. You know it's awesome when thinking about the sex you had last night brings you tears of joy.
CALL ME OLD FASHIONED BUT PEE IS FOR TOILETS
Fun fact. I just wrapped myself in wrapping paper for a sext. Is this a new high or a new low stay tuned.
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
you were peeing in her backyard and some dude came outside and looked at you and was like "thats not a pee spot" and you said "well it is now" then i joined you. Forever poppin squats <3
What you have to understand is that our lives aren't a disappointment so much as they crashed and burned with lethal doses of radiation and dog shit.
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