he called me "his little blueberry cunt muffin"...how would that make you feel?
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
Def drinking wine from a 4 liter jug at 11 am. If i call you in 20 years talking about 12 steps, please trace is back to this moment.
the $20 limit for secret santa doesn't apply to me cause you know a half gram of coke is more than $20
We found you on the floor drooling you kept saying over and over how you were double jointed.
I'm not so good at organized events that don't revolve around whiskey or playgrounds.
BoomCity!!!
You don't have to text me that every time you have sex. I already heard you ring the gong.
But you can't tell me I give the best blow jobs and then not break up with your girlfriend who has fucking TMJ! Come on!
Please don't pee your pants in the cab. One more time, and im pretty sure the cab companies will refuse to pick you up anymore
is there a line between daddy kink and oedipus complex?
He kept saying I needed to go to the hospital and it just made me want to call him a pussy so I went to bed
"Being an adult" and "being happy" are two circles that do not overlap in my Venn diagram of life.
After all this I still can't spell gonorrhoea without autocorrect
You know, you could always move. Lol somewhere without gators, water moccasins, and Marco Rubio.
You claimed that someone else had vomited underneath you/on your hand
you were very insulted that we didn’t believe you that someone else vommed
Randomize
