guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
She makes me want to have breakfast margaritas every day
her and i fucked to a michael jackson song and she had it memorized so she squealed every time he did
And I'm PMSing. So if I'm not crying, I'm masturbating.
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
Sometimes when I see a shoe on the side of the road, I get a little depressed that I've never partied that hard.
passed a homeless guy with a sign that read "420 vetran" we gave him a bowl of bud
That's cool. At least the punch line of my story isn't I shit in a booth at Denny's.
Sorry, they don't make maternity Power Ranger suits...
Guess I'll put him on my to-do list too. But closer to the bottom since we dated before. That's almost unethical.
Alive.
So much puke
By NOT going to the gym, I'm helping my future. I don't want stripping, prostitution, or porn to be viable money making options.
This is even better than the wine from my laundry basket
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
Randomize
