Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
Just got done shaving my balls. You were right.
Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
wtf?
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
that last vodka shot was definitely the straw that broke the camels alcohol tolerance level
I drunkenly sent a picture of my scrotum to the entire baseball team last night
Ricky Martin is gay. You owe me $10 from 3rd grade.
Apparently riding the dog like its a small horse is frowned upon in this establishment
no drinking for a week
if by week you mean tonight and by no you means yes
Sadly he is straight as an arrow that is designed by a robot computer from the future with lasers.
This saddens me. Mostly because I want to see the schematics on that robot.
Ok ladies its the usual spring break system. 5 for a guy, 10 for a non-lesbian girl and double points is its a group thing. Hottest guy of the day is an additional 15. GAME ON
I need an adult. someone more adult than my current state
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
He smells like ham and a lifetime of poor choices
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
The one time I decide to bring people over you are laying naked on the coffee table watching the ceiling fan cause "it just moves so fast" I'm guessing you got paid today??
Randomize
