I'm pretty sure his head is too big to fit between my legs. Worthless.
I'm surrounded by dudes and fupa's! No hot chicks...wtf!?
Medical industry, most hot chicks dont want to deal with blood + shit
My dad just questioned my drinking habits... Clearly he doesn't know what kind of college education he's paying for
Its official. Girls from Indiana do not give rim jobs.
Green mimosas i think yes
Just so you know, if you are not feeling well today it's cause you drank a gatorade bottle full of highlighter fluid.
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
I'm at the bar, forgot my pants. Everyone's over reacting
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
We were mid fuck, and he did a Kermit the Frog impression. Is it weird that I was strangely turned on?
We kind of crashed their funeral party. Oops.
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
NO FUCKBOY SHALL PASS OPERATION #BITCHMODE HAS SUCCEEDED
well...I was at work...until someone dropped dead during their performance of "I believe I can fly". It was karaoke night.
Randomize
