I can't watch pbs sober anymore
Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
i'm so desperate for a drink right now i looked up the recipe to make pruno
you know you made some mistakes when your last two boyfriends are both obsessed with women's curling...
The liquor store was handing out free shots of some new expensive vodka, but they caught on the fourth time we came back in different outfits. Politics.
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
While looking for socks, I found my mothers sex toy box. Dear god I finally understand where my kinkiness comes from.
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
I woke up at 4 am. Literally pissed. No idea what happened. I could have fucked a cow.
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
I'm jealous that you can use my boobs as pillows & I can't.
I was apparently the best non-Irish person at the party. I wore my skating dress, Austrian flag and a giant shamrock. Everyone is calling me "30 Shots Girl".
just move with us, we wanted to get a dog. youre kind of the same thing..
I shouldn't have to tell you to stop throwing knives at me.
It's sunday night and I just went to the store to buy cookie dough and condoms, I'm so proud of myself.
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