i can't wait to kiss dudes with my vampire teeth in.
He just said "Chunky" very loudly in his sleep.
I don't know what you're doing, but there's a dragon on my street.
giving him head while hes talking to his fiancee on the phone about inviting me to their wedding.... im invited. should i go or would that be wrong?
why did u have a candy cane hung on your dick in the first place?
she has a santa fetish
cute.
do you remember waking up from your blackout, kissing me ever so softly on the stomach, and saying "i love you bro. so much," then passing back out?
Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
it's great music for shaving your balls
There was no way out of it, seeing as I left my photo ID right next to the vomit.
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
The best part about being single is knowing how much everyone secretly creeps behind their gf/bfs back. You wouldn't believe..Have a great date night!
How drunk do you guys plan on getting?
We wrote our addresses on our arms for the cab driver, what do you think?
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
I'm pretty sure I smell like alcoholism and shame. And it's not a pretty scent.
Fun fact: nipples work on touch screens. Tell your friends :)
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