This guy told us that for a dollar and two cigarettes he'd let Megan stomp on his crotch. We were gonna refuse, but we figured someone had to keep him from passing his stupid genes along.
Dude I'm telling you, conditioner is the best for jerking it in the shower. It feels great and afterwards everything is all smooth
I just took went to the bathroom and it smelt like blue curococo... I didn't flush yet so head on up if you wanna know what a good night smells like.
Here's the thing. I'm really high and have lots of questions about lightning.
FOUR LOKO IS YES. SUNDAY MORNING DRUNK IS YES.
You're going to have to buy me a lot of drinks before the bee suit goes on...
Your either lost or getting food, if your lost find me a girl on your way back, if your getting food grab me a double cheese
Brown or brunette? Ketchup or mustard?
I love you bro
TOUCH YOURSELF. DO IT.
I don't think that's how you're supposed to sext
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
Overall a good night - broke my toe giving that cop a blowjob though...so there's that...
I didn’t want to see that boob. I told her not to show me but she said “no, I’m going to show you”
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
As much as I hate to admit it, some day ill need a man because I can't open jars myself and you can't 69 a dildo
Like I don't even know how to respond to this?
Randomize
