If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life
Theres a picture of you standing next to a John Wayne cardboard cutout that says dont drink and drive. your buddy is shirtless holding a beer and youre holding your keys up with marker on your face.
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
The main two things I remember from last night is you "spanking Katey into reality" and watching her barf in terror.
I need to find more Xanax, my Grandpa doesent leave for another week and he's made it a mission to get me to come out of the closet as a xmas gift to my parents.
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
he pulled a $400 bottle of champagne out of the back part of his toiled and I was ready to blow him then and there
Yea, I had a chaperone thankfully. I'm in the fetal position attempting to eat captain crunch now.
There was a pumpkin carving contest and we carved a very realistic dick about to penetrate a vagina. Our Christian Youth hosts were not happy.
So nowhere in the dress code does it forbid me from showing up to City Hall in a gorilla suit to meet the mayor.
My New Years resolution is to not hook up with random guys.
Mine is to not hook up with anyone who has a kid.
whoevers yellow car is in your driveway right now... i plan to steal. just an FYI
Dude come over...were drunk and I'm holding a T-shirt gun and discovered beer cans are the same size as rolled shirts.
Randomize
