I'm quitting my job and I'm just going to become a professional drunk girls mistake.
She tied me up with her honor cords...
i'm trying to figure out what goes best with beef ramen. a 2007 merlot or a 2008 pinot noir? i'm leaning toward the pinot noir.
He made me hold his dick and say "I solemnly swear that I'm up to no good"
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
I bought a sword. Make the proper arrangements.
I think I'm in love. He's everything I ever wanted for myself, just with a lot more drugs.
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
also, sleeping with your chipotle guy sounds like a good idea until you want chipotle on your day off and have to look somewhat presentable to acquire said chipotle.
Just saw a government minister puke and rally.
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
It's a mix of hot dirty sex and week old bong water
I just puked into a clean basket of laundry.
I teamed up with my vagina. I compromised his morals and then she corrupted him for good. It’s been a very successful and slutty partnership
Randomize
