Me too. Send a cab. Order food.
Are u religion class? I'm on my way, I have cum in my hair. tell u later.
I have a sudden craving for National Treasure 2. THIS IS WHY DRUGS ARE AWESOME
Questioning the dried heart shaped nutella on my boobs. Valentines day has begun.
I had to find out that I peed in the box of baby clothes from my mom, who found out from my grandma. New low.
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
I love you. We're gonna celebrate your 21st by putting people in duct tape bikinis and pushing them down tequila slip and slides
Why would I take you home? That would eliminate the chances of you making bad decisions I could ridicule you about later.
STONER SAFETY TIP: don't use the driver's side vanity mirror to check how red your eyes are while you're driving. it won't work. trust me.
I spent the entire night stroking his hair. He was cool with it. Never thought a ginger stoner would help me work through my social anxiety but here we are.
There's a super pregnant woman here complaining about back pain. I better not see a live birth in the hair care aisle
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
For one week of my life every time I pull my cock out I want the Jurassic Park theme music to start playing.
Just woke up to the cat unconscious on my stomach, his face between my tits, purring to bring down the walls. I'm endeared and horrified at the same time.
Randomize
