I'm lost and stupid without you.
I smelled like jager and penis. The only cure was a pack of camels and plan b.
Nope, didn't see her. We left when you told us you were going to make the " big beef burrito supreme" even more supreme and you took your dick out.
I'm covered in salsa and facewash. I think I'm doing something wrong over here.
My boyfriend correctly calculated the time I would be out of alcohol and showed up about four minutes after I'd run out with two bottles of wine. I think this is love.
I taped a pair of scissors and a coupon for a waxing on the door. He gets to choose.
I'm taking tokes in the bath tub, come if you want, I'm naked and you have to bring chicken nuggets or else you can't come in
AFTER I licked the bald guys head they told me we weren't playing
I'm turning twenty & the only honorable way to exit my teens is by slapping the fuck outta the bag. You better be in.
I just had my first lesbian experience. Out of spite.
You ask too many questions when I'm blowing you. You're like a dentist asking how my day has been during a cleaning.
Just witnessed a man yell "gonna catch a slut!" at himself in the mirror while doing bicep curls at the gym.
I was...perplexed.
I'm going to talk him into letting me tie him up, and then just leave him that way and go meet you for fro-yo.
That has got to be a joke. No human eats that much grass and lives to tell the tale.
I had Mac n cheese made with weed butter last night. Epic
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