You were parading around the bar chugging girls drinks and then asking them if you could buy them a drink. It was actually genius
I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
but the lizard people decide everything anyway
he wrote Vegans should suck on cow dick on her wall with permanent marker. thats how he got the black eye
We walked because you started screaming when you finally realized he wasn't Ben Bailey and it wasn't the Cash Cab.
just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
The entire defensive line took care if me when I passed out. One of them even held my hair when I puked and the other carried me upstairs to bed. God I love football so much more now
I need a Jamo leash. Just tie it to my wrist and every time you see me reaching for a shot of it, just yank my hand away
And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
That's not fair! You can't come over after you just had sex and rub my dry spell in my face!
She asked if she should pack the condoms, I told her I plan on drinking so much that it won't be possible.
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
Okay so how much boob would you consider inappropriate for smart casual?
Why is no one on Snapchat tonight? I want to see other people having fun so I know it still exists.
you started putting peanut butter on your pubes.
Randomize
