good news. it is gonna rain tomorrow so now I don't have to pay to clean the puke off the side of your car.
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
If i evwr doyble fist jack daniels and smirnoff again, i hereby give you permission to take them both away grom me and give me and give me a glass of wat
Am I the only one that feels like there are hundreds of tiny people having a rave and stomping and kicking around inside my head this morning?
Happy cinco de mayo!! Puke filled sombrero in the lawn needs to be picked up and whos never punched my fence boards in half needs to replace those by the way the owner of those panties (see attached photo) anytime you wanna cum over;-) hiii!
Adderal can only make me focus so much. Your ass is stronger than my medicine. Congratulations.
I just saw a cat, if i ate those mushrooms 15 minutes earlier i wouldn't have made it to the bar
I woke up on a different floor than I went to sleep on. Can't find my shoes.
What's rude is him not accepting my blowjob offer. What kind of guy denies that.
Just took an Adderall with Pedialyte so I think that's a valid answer to "how are you doing"
Why did I wake up naked with a leg cramp and and extra $550 in my wallet?
She was cleaning herself at the bus stop. She also picked up gum off the ground and ate it
It is NEVER not funny to me when I am sitting at a table and I've touched the dicks of every single person I'm sitting with.
Don't care if they even pay me; I lifeguard for the fringe benefits -- free tourist vagina in the Hilton jacuzzi every single night
Ever get that feeling that you're the back up booty call and half way through securing the fake date excuse to try to get in your pants, the guy hears back from the original booty call and drops the conversation with no explanation?
Randomize
