i'm in the sorta mood where i wanna be that crying, drunk girl who will hook up with anyone that tells her she's pretty
I wish i could clap on, clap off my penis
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
yesterday, he said he didn't trust me around his daughter because "if she was wrapped in rolling paper u'd smoke her." yup.
you do realize that we pretended we were worms for like 10 minutes and inched around on the ground, don't you?
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
he pulled a $400 bottle of champagne out of the back part of his toiled and I was ready to blow him then and there
Is "head down ass up" an appropriate way to say good morning?
But there's never enough margarita money.
This is going to be one of those situations where we lose a day, isn't it
LMAO I like how "don't worry I'll bring chasers" is your way of assuring things will be ok
I've had sex with three people who have this birthday.
Not my fault people bought me shots. waving a shot in my face is like waving a cock in yours
Yea. You locked yourself outside naked with nothing but running shoes and claimed it was a "parent trap thing."
He eats ass but won’t hold open doors. My kinda guy.
Chivalry really is dead.
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
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