I was on top riding him and his friend walks in and watched for a minute before he realized what was going on
and everytime i fart i feel like in your heart, you can hear it
that was the first time i tried it. why is it all sticky? its like somebody threw a glue bottle at my face.
ii just google-imaged 'sad turtle' and maggie gyllenhaal only came up once. what is the world coming to?
he left me a note this morning. it said "thank you for letting me touch you"
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
you kept introducing yourself to guys as "never going to happen"
Is it possibile to sprain your taint?
She was that bad?
SO AWKS THEY ARE HAVING A COUPLE FIGHT AND I JUST WANT PIZZA
A stranger came up to me, pointed at my drink and asked what it tasted like and proceeded to chug half of it and then walked away.
I made out with a girl because I wanted to get in the VIP section of the bar because they have these big comfy couches. It worked.
You could see the bone sticking out of his shin and he insisted he was "just gunna walk it off"
I WOULD NEVER MIX DICK AND MCDONALDS
Someone needs to lock me in a chastity belt because all my vagina does is get me into trouble. Fuck.
Tell me not to drink and get on ladders. I think I need the reminder.. I'm clumsy enough sober.
Randomize
