Now hope fervently that she'll do it quick and cheap, just the way i like it
I'll hook up with guys I don't even like, as long as they leave early enough the next day.
Oh this totally just became legit. My "boss" is puking outside my car right now. I win again.
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
So I think my aunt and her one legged boyfriend are getting it on in the next room. Traumatized does not even begin to describe what I am right now
He better not be in your backpack
I'm wearing spiderman underwear, the question is what am I NOT capable of
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
I like how I just yelled in the window at Mcdonalds drive thru, got his number and then fucked. it was like I ordered a happy meal that only can be had after midnight.
I can insert a female catheter, but I cannot grill a cheese.
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
Last night you were throwing up in my toilet singing "all by myself."
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
It's 3 am. Nothing I've tried can get the taste of failure and vomit out of my mouth.
Randomize
