Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
you think the cum will come out of moms black shirt?
If you dont, I will tell Dad you are gay.
Fine, and I will tell him you fucked his business partner
Previous statement retracted.
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
Just stuffed an entire cupcake in my mouth after finishing third glass of wine. Valentines day is pretty much going how i expected it.
I somehow ended up with a bottle of red wine in one hand and white in the other and would drink them at the same time. Ruined
Yeah even if I got stabbed it would be worth it
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
I'm not even mad. I was just trying to get a boner, you're the one that had to see that
I think I used my hospital ID to cut the coke last night. I need to swab it for residue at work today.
Hey you're my best friend, I'm sorry I picked my vagina over my heart last night.
There was a clear and well defined point last night where I could've decided to go home but no now I've woken up with glitter all over my nuts and potentially an std or 2
I know it's 10:30am but Finding Dory starts in an hour, and I have four points of molly. You down?
Just got caught by my boss looking at porn on the work computer & he decided to utilize this time to look with me. Not sure if this is good or bad.
Also fucking you night and morning and then serving your parents breakfast is a bit awkward. And funny. To me.
Randomize
