Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
nothing like baby laughter to ruin a masturbation moment
Ok if you are accepting my apology, please continue to ignore me. If you are not, please fill out the brief survey that follows, to help me improve my people relations: a) your a bitch please leave me alone b)your crazy pls leave me alone c) I never cared ab u please leave me alone. D) all of the above e) all of the above but I wouldn't mind still fucking u. F) who are you again? Your answer will not b shared and will b used in accord. With the law. TY
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
he doesn't even text me anymore.. he just facebook chats me a shark emoticon which has turned into code for 'be naked at my house in 15 mins'
You screamed "show me a dick stand!" But before I could ask you wft that was you had passed out in the corner
Body paints and jello. Your canvas awaits
Another sexterpiece awaits
Just because he told you it was safe doesn't mean you should have licked it.
If my eyeballs could make a sound to describe how they feel they would just say uhhhhhhhhggggggghhhhhh.
Yeah i like want to be friends with him. And if we have sex in the physics library well thats fine with me
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
Come get your boyfriend. He is hammered talking to me about hot dogs and casinos.
where the fuck are you? she just tazed two people and we're tripping shrooms...successful first night in new apartment!
Tinder has really served to stimulate the number of sex related demons summonings.
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
Randomize
