i can't watch a movie tonight dude, im smoking weed
you smoke with your eyes?
can we get nightvision for the apartment?
I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
Thank God. You really dodged a small penis there.
i left after you tried to balance a shot of tequila on your head while screaming at the bar tender that you fucked his girlfriend
Only time i ever look at my online banking statement is to see when i left the bar.
Some guy seriously just got Jimmy Johns delivered to him at the graduation ceremony. This cannot be real life.
I have a meeting at work in an hour, I'm so hungover going outside is NOT happening there are roads and shit I'll totally get myself killed.
also, just kill me. literally hit me with a vehicle, or an aircraft, something that will ultimately make me forget tonight.
All you have to do is speak. Your voice reverberates strait to my vagina.
I just burped smoke on the bus. Hello 6:48am
ITS THE CIIIIIIRCLE OF SLUUUUUUUTS
He usually doesnt care about me cumming but last night he really tried, I feel that him going to the Womens March benefitted my sex life
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
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