kristin has been a bad kristin
I can't breathe out the right side of my face
He told me he was ok to drive home. Then I found him face-planted in the parking lot.
wicked high...have munchies. cherry flavor lube. problem solved.
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
while we were having sex she stopped and said, "god is always watching". Then she started again with no other words said. We were fucked up.
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
Sorry I didn't pick up for your booty call. I usually am asleep at 4:00 on Thursdays. Like a normal person.
I found her in the bathroom licking her screwdriver off the floor. she said there was no way she was wasting a $6 drink.
After a certain blood-alcohol level, the dog is in charge.
I'm stranded in the Hampton area. Looks like I'm going to have to take one for the team and pass out by this applebees.
Yes, but it's not new to me. It's like every time a new guy finds out I'm a squirter it's a novelty so they make me squirt and squirt and squirt until their bed is completely soaked. And then afterwards they complain that there isn't a dry bit to sleep on. No shit Sherlock.
I just read "to infinity and beyond" as "to infidelity and beyond" something is seriously wrong with my psyche
We were so hungover we fell asleep in Goodyear waiting for them to fix her car. At 4 in the afternoon on a Sunday. The workers apparently didnt want to vacuum because they didn't want to wake us.
I love that my family celebrates every holiday with a joint. Chanukah? Mazel-juana! Easter? What's more spring than the color green? Election day? What better way to celebrate democracy in action than medical pot?
Randomize
