handjob tips. give me some.
you were holding her hair as she threw up saying "I'm going to be a great doctor" repeatedly.
Legit screaming match in this bar over the differences between cupcakes and muffins.
i actually have a tan line from him holding my boob while we were sunbathing
we just saw you getting yelled at by the cops for trying to 'hijack' a street sweeper...how have you not been arrested yet?
He said hes taking shrooms and watching jurassic park so we're making a t-rex costume
we need ur ladder
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
Just did a slip and slide down a five story staircase in my dorm. Being an engineer is fucking awesome
This tiny Canadian guy just tipped me $20, a piece of gum, and a joint. I wasn't working. He literally tipped me for talking to him.
You can't be friends with my side piece. Conflict of interest.
He'd rather cuddle with his shitty little miniature dog than the half naked girl in his bed. I've lost all hope for him and my vagina
Oh! You were the one walking around cradling the bottle of Fireball all night!
What's protocol when the 18 year old son of an anti-gay preacher sends you a message on Grindr during church?
I've started brushing my teeth at 6pm, because honestly alcohol is the only thing I consume after that
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
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