hot girl, 5 o clock
do you know how to read a clock?
i have a new found respect for you. the amount of people you must have cockblocked last night is amazing
All I did this weekend was get my life in order. I feel like I wasted my time.
Before you become official, we should get a hotel room and fuck our brains out. Sort of like a going away party for your penis.
Dnt forget 40 tuesday,dress nice! Like job interview nice, like funeral nice, like a couple muhfuckas sittin on their lawn drinkin forties on a tuesday nice!
You will not judge me for my made-up holiday of wine appreciation day
if I die on the way please explain to my mother that I do not wear fishnets on a regular basis
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
I'm at a bar. It's body paint Wednesday. All of the waitresses are topless. Help me
I'm almost too hungover to function. Got into the wrong car by mistake. there was a rotweiler in it. Thank god he was more confused than i was for a minute.
Are you aware that you called me "Sexy clit lady" last night?
I don't need a lecture. I'm 41. I know I'm an idiot.
I'm a stupid stupid woman who is totally going to rock this holiday season dick drunk on that Ginger
You took one look at him and said "let's hope I don't remember this tomorrow" then you took another shot and chased it with a beer.. I guess it was a success.
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
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