I just threw up on my dentist
I didn't say she couldn't, I said you shouldn't.
I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
we may have ended up at a gay bar on accident. we're gonna work this to get free drinks.
My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
I can't believe im sexting my roommate. This is really what my life has come to
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
Just drank an entire bottle of champagne for lunch. It's gonna be that kind of semester.
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
Come to the roof. We are drinking breakfast.
HE HAS CHALLENGED MY BADNESS. I MUST CONQUER ALL THAT QUESTIONS MY POWER. BRING FORTH THE TIT PICS.
Hey I can officially say I made out with a drug lord.
I want a dick in my left hand and a Crunch Wrap Supreme in my right hand.
Nothing quite like spending your evening singing Shania Twain I Feel Like a Woman barbershop quartet Style with some homeless guys outside of Keyport liquor. love Shania Twain. How's your Sunday?
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