im in class. still drunk. wearing one sock. eating a breakfast sandwich and trying to make sure this bottle of whiskey doesnt fall out of my purse in front of my professor
Sundays have taken on a whole new meaning when I'm not in bed with an excruciating hangover.
She started doing push ups and calling me a pussy. Never set me up with your ROTC friends again.
You sat there for 20minutes trying to seduce the picture of my dad.
Got a thumbs up from a trucker for doing lines on the interstate. God bless america.
Just FYI, I'm breaking up with my boyfriend tonight and you need to be on call to be my first rebound bang
This essay is so getting done. I am spurred on by thoughts of test-driving your newly shaven face by sitting on it as soon as humanly possible.
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
Going to a professional golf course at 2am to throw the flag poles like javelins
Let me get this straight, you're telling me to lower my standards? Even though last week you told me I don't have any..?
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
It got weird the panthers lost and we started throwing wings at one another
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
I just balanced a full glass of chocolate milk on my left boob. Don't think i've ever been more proud.
I need to take my iPad to the Apple store (when this is all over). Do I need to delete all my dick pics/videos or are they used to stumbling across that sort of thing?
Randomize
