meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
just found a sign outside my brothers door "not going to church, don't even try" and he is covered is vomit in his bed.
I just found out my first birthday was a keg party. Suddenly everything makes sense
i had to write a bad check to buy franzia last weekend. i have my priorities in line.
Just called the bar: "hi this is the girl who you kicked out for excessive bleeding, do you happen to have my coat?"
currently pooping in a public restroom while drinking free beer. there has never been a finer line between awesome and depressing.
Apparently I texted my high school english teacher asking her to tell me what logical fallacies she taught us three years ago.
Oh that could end badly if you get them mixed up.. you know who I think you should focus on?? THE ONE WITH THE BIG BLACK COCK, just sayin
he says he is going to get you very high and make you leave the country with him
possibly by boat
Long story short he broke into a preschool and threw all their cones into a tree.
He awkwardly handed me plan b on Pickens Street... it was like a sketchy drug deal.
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
There are leaves in my underwear?
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
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