wtf. i just found you're porn stash.
u like it?
NOT THE POINT.
Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
he was actually really polite. he asked before he came on my chest because he "wasn't sure my stance on it".
I just realized this is gonna be the last time that I'm high in my childhood home. I'm kinda sad. I'm really high..
if he only knew that in between each sext i was puking.
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
he ate me out on his front porch at dawn. i orgasmed when the sun began to rise. most romantic morning booty call ever.
Dude, it could be so much worse. That Dale kid lost a toe I think.
You have to understand, he didn't so much come out of the closet as he backflipped out of it with an accompanying marching band.
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
Just a heads up... Don't get high and attempt to do your own taxes
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
I would literally only have sex with a dinosaur right now.
Going to the eye doctors drunk makes you feel like your doing a sobriety test! They have to know..
Randomize
