i'm sending her a home depot gift card for the hole i put in her wall. call it good?
He was going nice and slow, then he yelled " BOONNEESTOORRMM!!!!!". I can't walk straight.
I really thought you were going to tell me you were pregnant on facebook chat. FACEBOOK CHAT. I almost cried.
he's the only person i know who can drink himself into and out of alcohol poisoning.
Cops came. Forced us to take the "Honk and We'll Drink" and the "Free Shots to Father's of Freshman Daughters" signs down. Before we did, someone honked and the cop said, "Aren't you gonna drink?" They then told us to move the party inside by ten.
I'm not throwing down for dinner because I plan to have so much tequila I puke it up anyways. How much is a cab home?
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
I know you`re my best friend, but when i wake up with this bad of a hangover and no memories of last night, i dont want to see your tits ad my background.
Just had a threesome. Girlfriend wasn't a part of it. Broke up with her by sending her a picture of it. Hell is going to be awesome
I just encountered the same creepy guy I showed you, he jumped inside the dumpster screaming.
There's like a dolphin trainer convention here or something. I will parlay this trip to Vegas into riding Shamu if its the last thing I do.
I plan on blacking out and milking a cow
There's a Taco Bell quesadilla in my shower caddy right now.
I have "if found please return to" written in sharpie on my arm, my uterus is rejecting everything, and I have hickies. I must actually be an 18 year old piece of shit girl instead of a responsible 23 year old
This might be the worst thing you've ever done.
Really? I feel like I've done worse. Guess I gotta step my game up.
Randomize
