Also do the "tongue the pee-hole" thing.
when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
Just heard this lady walk by on her phone saying "did everyone orgasm?"
He must be back home now. He moved his box of beer from her porch to ours.
Out of all the things I've put my penis in, this seems the most unfortunate.
At what point during this road trip should I let them know I've been drinking in the backseat the whole time and can't take my turn driving?
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
Thanksgiving. This year's theme: I am thankful that I still have a liver.
Just had a memory of you pretending to be a begging dog putting your head on my lap while I fed you. Great night to try a new drug.
It was going great until he started saying "ooh kill em" under his breath with each thrust
He says I vaguely mumbled happy New year, kissed him, threw up and then went back to sleep.
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
Wall of shame with a backpack full of beer bottles, cowboy hat in hand, and a handlebar mustache. I was applauded by a passing car
I walked in on him pumping himself up by headbanging to the drumbeat from Jumanji.
whole 5th of capt = waking up in the shower after 2 hours and the whole house asking why i'm STILL in a towel. and me having nothing to say
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