I cant believe you went over there and fucked her last night after everything you said
she invited me over to play the wii, it's not like i intended to
You KNEW her power was out...
I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
i've decided to use this saturday afternoon to take care of my pube situation
Just passed on a threesome. I'm too old for that kind of morning after.
Currently microwaving whipped cream to make white Russians and hotboxing the kitchen while this random kid is dancing in the corner.
I think winning the long island race means you lose at life
He walked door to door asking if anyone needed to get laid. Surprisingly, that ended his drought
The tequila covers up the fact that the choco liquor tastes like sadness.
Dude, where are you?
In back
of car
... whose car?
you'll probably come home to me baked as fuck and shirtless
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
is 250 jello shots considered an open container?
My friends said as soon as you walked in, I motor boated you like there was no tomorrow.
Yeah, I liked it.
We can use the Mac n cheese as the potatoes in our breakfast burritos. Problem solved.
Yep. Just fucked a 34 year old on the football field where we both went to high school. That's a story for the grandkids.
Randomize