its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
i don't even specifically remember last night, it's just one big wonderful lesbianic blur.
just got hammed at grandma and grampas 30th aniversary bash .. from the looks i was getting im guessing i wont be seeing an inheritance ...
Dude, you face planted, there was no "bar fight".
Ive decided I'm sending thank you notes to all the bars for graduation.
The good news is the house is clean, the bad news is someone redecorated the bonus room by spray painting "free willy" on the wall in honor of the girl who passed out in there last night.
We see some guy emerge from the forest on the island this morning, alone, in only a snuggie. Morning shots and bagels on us for the number one walk of shame.
I'm sitting with my parents watching football and moaned when I saw his shirtless picture. They looked at me weird so I had to turn the moan into a laugh. A sad, really horny laugh.
I couldn't do it. You can't break up after that many orgasms. It's physically impossible.
I just used crown royal bags as pot holders...
I've been vomiting all day.
All day? It's 10am.
I may have just got motorboated by a male stripper who told me I should be a porn star and not a vet student.
I don't want them thinking I'm like, "Mm, yeah, kitchenware in my ass please."
Randomize
