the night i cant remember will be the night i always remember thanks to my "i
Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
don't get me wrong, i love how you're fun and free spirited. but there are some situations...like shooting down a bottle of sambuca standing in the shallow end topless surrounded by my friends
As it turns out, drunk trust falling that guy at the top of the waterslide didn't really work out for anyone..
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
Well it's a moot point because I did have a sink & I peed in it.
WHY does every guy I sleep with want to fix my car?!
I had to wash my hair with conditioner because my sister got hammered and gave the dog a 3am sprinkler bath with my shampoo.
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
I feel as if the hash cupcakes on top of mushroom chocolates was a little excessive last night
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
I can't open my mouth wide enough to make full use of this snapchate update
Its really awkward pooping while on videochat. Even if you turn the video off.
She shaved her vagina in my bed. Good night
what do you mean he's functionally heterosexual
Randomize
