How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
So I went outside my house this morning and basically my entire front lawn is covered in gummi bears... I think that involves you guys.
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
What? Cold floors are soothing when you have a hangover. How am I supposed to pass that up. Even if I'm at my parents house
you're thinking of things to pack this weekend and you think Don King wig?
Hurry there's a dancing lesbian. She's a jumper and has impeccable jazz hands.
Yeah...I know. It's cute I think...I mean cute in a weird like hey I kinda took you home from the bar one night, maybe criticized your penis, and fucked your brains out...kinda sorta way
There's a person in my phone named motor boat. I love making new friends.
I even tried crushing up viagra and putting it in his beer... And the next day he found the package on the counter. I told him it was for my friends husband.
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
Maybe don't sell him so much adderall next time. The other day during finals he was convinced that he could see the "molecules of life in the air" and kept reaching up slowly to grab them.
He was playing minecraft so I took a shower with my vibrator
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
You can't just drop that I might be walking into a foursome and leave it at that
Randomize
