I'm not saying he's gay. Just that he prob knows what a dick tastes like
I just met the neighbor hes a self proclaimed coke dealer/ softporn producer.
Getting arrested together sounded so much more fun in theory.
Everything's fine I'm just stoned and my pillows are too soft.
They just called to see if he wanted to come in at 2am for overtime. He's trashed. He literally carried on a 10 minute convo with his boss about woodchucks. As in the animal
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
Pants-less sunday? Also I'm high and independence day is making me cry
im coming over
You seriously knocked all the beer off the table, broke the beer pong table, broke the bar and kept yelling "you have to warn me first!" all because I wouldn't let you have another four loco
Nice. The Governor's son bruised my vagina.
That's going to be the title of my memoir.
We didn't mean to put a petting zoo in the elevator.
First night in my new apartment and I threw up in front of my neighbors door. Starting off this relationship strong.
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
man fuck you i am a delight. you're the one who fucking set his tree on fire while high
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
rowboat hit a rock. taking on water. going down fast. bring cheerios.
aye aye capn
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