I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
I want to have a prehistoric party. By that, I mean I want to dress up as a dinosaur and get drunk. That's all I want in life.
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
I feel like a food baby is going to burst from my stomach and eat all the leftovers until another food baby rips out of its stomach. And so on. It's truly a merry Christmas.
we got kicked out of McDonald's because you kept screaming THAT SHIT CRAY at the woman in front of us because she ordered a fish filet.
...that shit cray.
I woke up to realize my keys were on the front porch. Also so was I. So close yet so far
When you get home...find me in the shower. Only safe place at the moment.
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
Happy Birhtday!
Dad, it's 3am and it's not my birthday... wherever you are, go home
I could teach a class on "expressing your thanks through photos taken of yourself in the shower"
how do you always get into these "we banged the same dude now lets be friends" situations???
Like woke up with a dick piercing kind of drunk.
just saw two eagle scouts making out in chic-fil-a
Can u pick up some lemons on the way? I have Tequila and a sore throat..I need them for both
Bro, I was just laying in bed with this girl and her boyfriend came an woke me up
Randomize
