fucking a dude
i mean: fucking a, dude
wow, that comma made all the difference there
her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
hammered. By myself. Accident. Faillll. Snowwwwwy
We're not too concerned with getting her out of jail. We're on a mission for donuts.
i just overheard someone saying that they invented the 'tequila mockingbird' last night. sorry, but i found better friends
My roommate's all sad and is crying and the chick I want to bang is in the room and Nic Cage is on fire. What the fuck.
Is it bad that I see a party full of girls I know he has fucked as a challenge for me to be the one who ends up in his bed?
It's now 8:05 on a Wednesday night and I'm already going home with my bra in my purse.
No one should ever have to Neosporin their nipples. At least he apologized.
Do you have any need for a scary clown mask?
The only word that describes how much hair I shaved off of my ass is "considerable".
I'm really sorry I hooked up with your student on the dance floor..
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
I just got home and spray-tanned my boyfriend. That's the side of relationships they don't tell you about...
Actually I learned to fire a 357 Magnum at the age of ten while on my very first period
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