He was so confused why there was a string hanging out of my vagina.
Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
MTV Made just made me cry. Where have all of my life goals gone?
Why wouldn't u just let me ride the washing machine
dude all you wanted to do was sleep under a bridge
Just crossed the line from casual pregrame to public intoxication. Shotgunning in a bus shelter.
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
I'm taking myself to the hospital right now b/c there is no way this erection is subsiding in the next 4 hours.
Literally had to stick my hands in my pants and hold my butt cheeks together while driving
alright well Taco Bell Closes at 12 so you better pray to god she's asleep by then or I'm running in your house butt ass naked with a bag of tacos
I'm sending him pics of me in my new lingerie telling him to come over and when he gets here I'll have changed into like sweats and a 5 year old shirt with ketchup stains on it
Bro, she said she wanteo to fuck me with my white Nike cap on so I resemble a douchebag. I think my choice of women might be coming into question
Not sure she's stomping around my apartment muttering incoherently about wanting to speak to the colonel
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
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