Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
honestly if we didnt hate the same people we would have a friendship based on nothing
I think she must be bulimic. I mean, every time I see her I know i want to throw up.
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
he can show you his cooooock\nshining, shimmering, splendiddddd
its not you its me. and by that i mean i am more interested in having random one night stands with random hot girls then having the same normal sex with u.
You kept yelling "wood grain wheel" and grinding on fat chicks.
The hell is wrong with me
Cop came to our door looking for you. Something about sex in public and intoxication. I said you matched the description.
I probably should have waited until after the game to pity fuck him. You know, seeing as we lost.
Tequila, beer, rum, gin, and vodka all mixed in my body last night. The whole "never turn down free booze" is catching up to me. Hungover = understatement of the year.
I'm adopting to save the world from the moral outrage that would be my offspring
sweating bourbon at client mtg -- you?
I told her I was going to masterbate myself into a coma... We have another date on Thursday.
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
you bounced a quarter off my butt and it came back hitting you in the eye. karma, bitch.
Randomize
