No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
last week i woke up at this guys house...this week i woke up at his ex girlfriends
Only a mothe r could love this liver
You make homosexuality sound like a cult.
Well for one thing, she was eating rice with a shot glass.
i kept telling her phones are not food, and she countinued to put it in her mouth..
Thanks for the ave Maria song you left on my phone that lasted for TEN minutes.
My roommate threw his shoe through our window and I came out of my blackout kicking holes in my wall. Pretty sure Edward 80 Hands won't be happening anymore.
because drunk making out is frowned upon in museums i think
Apparently I made a stripper cry last night when I paid her $10 to go away
We left the knife in your bed.
It was a taxi full of fist pumps and chanting to "face down, ass up". It was that 1% that makes my job worth it.
It would be like if I said I had the cure for cancer and my explanation was I like turtles.
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
I figured it out! There's blood on the kitchen floor because I fell into the dishwasher. And there's a face dent. And it doesn't work.
Yea.....I saw that happen.
Randomize
