somehow on my way home with matt, I ended up straddling steve on the sidewalk and polling the people walking by on whether or not we should have sex.
After I threw him out he walked down the street peeing in stride. I almost wanted to let him back in.
for future reference: playing drunken strip-twister is a euphemism for a threesome. just thought you should know.
Oh you have a half-brother? Why that's right up my alley! Let's cause family strife
Tearing families apart since 2011.
Ya he's the booze devil, like if the black hole and Bermuda triangle joined forces with Captain Morgan
You need to be full form and virile tomorrow so I can live vicariously through your rub and tug.
The feeling are messing with the penis
I feel violated by Miley Cirrus's performance in the VMA's.
Apparently you can unlock an iPad by doing a line on the lock screen I'm about to bust that myth
Not sure what happened last night, but I woke up without a shirt on and cereal glued to my boobs...
My niece I'm babysitting left earlier to stay the night with her friend. I got ditched by an 8 year old.
It's the never-ending clusterfuck that is my love life
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
This is a hot dog holiday. I intend to do my part for the processed meat workers of this great union.
I didn’t want a minivan, but I have to admit it’s made it a lot easier to hook up with the dilfs at soccer tournaments
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