Facials are how you say "I love you" in porn star.
I haven't been this sober since birth.
I don't know why people felt they couldn't use the toilet with me passed out in the tub. I shut the curtain. It was like being in another room.
I may or may not have traded sexual favors for Disney on Ice tickets.
looking at my texts from you makes me want to throw up in my pants
I fucking hate tequila. Tequila makes me hate pants.
I woke up and found piles of popcorn in a trail around my house, ending at a laundry basket full of pillows. What were we trying to catch last night?
Not even official and he's cleaned my puke twice. His hotdog skills are an added bonus. I've got a keeper
You kept asking us from the backseat if you were driving ok and then you kept talking to your hiccups and yelling at them to "stop it already!"
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
LET ME HAVE MY JUDGMENT OF OTHER PEOPLE
he accidentally put it in my ass, i liked it but didn't tell him that and "accidentally" took his weed.
Three times. Three times I left home yesterday in search for sex, and three times I returned un-orgasmed.
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
I woke up with my shoes on but pants in the fish tank
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