i told him i was on my period. he said, and i quote "can we not just lay down some newspapers or something?"
How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
i was so worried that when his hands were down my pants he was going to find the weed i stole from him
Where are you, who is in my bed, why is he wearing a spandex onesie as underwear, how did i get teethmarks on my forehead, what are we doing tonight?
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
He said he was gonna go pull a lochte and the next thing we know he's outside ass naked peeing in the neighbors kiddie pool.
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
just found out that she named her cat after me.
See this is where I mess up.. I get distracted by the option of consistent sex and free beer
Do you know that you can buy Cialis in Mexico? Best. Honeymoon. Ever.
Don't do anything I wouldn't do. Thankfully for you that list does not include male models.
Executive decision.... we are cuddling naked
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
I know right. I don't even want to have sex today. I did anyway but that's besides the point.
Randomize
