they hired a photographer to take a family portrait for grandmas bday gift. we just hired a male stripper. we are def the better grandkids.
apparently I kept yelling at her that I wanted t-Rex sized lines. awesome
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
two fat guys on crotch rockets just invited me to 'party' with them at a del taco. why does this keep happening to me?
He invited you over for Super Sexy Saturday and Cosmos... I'm pretty sure that's gay
i was so fucked up i thought i was at home depot
I just won't go as hard tonight. Four dollar ladies night drink or drown is not a good idea for me. I like to get my money's worth.
I feel as if the hash cupcakes on top of mushroom chocolates was a little excessive last night
apparently my new 420 ritual is to look at the clock at 4:20 and realize i'm already too high
No more morning sex. Just for once, my vagina would like to go to work bone-dry and bone-free.
Let the record show that the first hour of my twenty-first was spent shooting tequila ans discussing the emotional integrity of werewolves.
I remember looking at his body and thinking wow you have a body sculpted by Jesus himself. Still not sure if I said that out loud or not
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
well apparently i sat in the bathroom staring in the toliet at my vomit. it was blue. how was your night?
God yes pancakes and booze sounds like the best night ever.
Randomize
