I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
just jacked off in the bed i was conceived in.
Either you made a spaghetti vodka smoothie last night, or you puked in the blender.
I got him a footlong to apologize for trying to push him off a balcony...
My bed smells like stale sex...I want it to smell like fresh sex, I miss you.
I feel like this has turned into my work. But if I get paid sitting under a desk, that's perfectly fine with me.
K, im gonna wait to get my dick pierced so we can do it as a family function.
I fell asleep on the floor again. i dont want help, just a pillow. its kind of nice down here.
That moment when your fucking in an airport bathroom and forget to lock the door. That poor man...scarred forever...
Ew. He is mine. We all know that if he has a mid-life crisis and decides to sleep with a student, I AM THAT STUDENT. She's not friends with him on FB. Reassuring.
Thanks for putting up with my drunk friend last night. Its all fun and games till someone pukes macaroni under your fridge.
GUESS WHO STILL HAS BOTH NIPPLES!
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
i guess she just walked over ass naked and peed on his laptop. gonna call an over price on that drunk sex.
Thank you, my gorgeous heroine, for being such a total life-saver by giving me rides, forcing me to eat, providing porous absorbant surfaces to bleed on, and everything else you do <3
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