I'm not a real person
I'm sorry, everyone knows that
What can I expect? While all of my friends are getting married, all of his friends are tripping on robitussin
Sometimes I stick my finger in my own ass and pretend it’s a vagina. I think it’s kinda weird. What do you think?
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
Dude shes not that fat. Plus, last night I probably would've done it too.
i decided this morning while eating my breakfast of red bull and cold pizza that i should take a vow of celibacy
so i might have figured out why that girl isn't talking to me...I'm 90% confident I didn't give her a pillow when she stayed over >.>
I'm taking ecstasy it's gonna be that kind of Vegas trip
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
You brought string cheese to the strip club
10/10 would definitely still fuck you dressed as squirrel
My heart says buy the granny panties, but my vagina says don't throw in the towel yet.
Our love of vodka is more proof than a maternity test
I just puked into a clean basket of laundry.
A dozen naked frat boys in squirrel masks just ran by. Welcome to the official start of the holidays.
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