The nice sales man at 711 gave me a handful of free lighters for buying a carton of cigarettes. I guess the depressed damsel in distress look works for me.
He is going overseas for 8 months, not only was that blowjob a going away present, but i was supporting the troops
All I need in life is some dick and a big mac.
Apparently I mistakenly called the hair club for men at 3am... they called me back this morning.
i feel as uncomfortable as your camel toe looks.
I didn't know how to tell her I was too busy getting stoned and making a baked potato to meet up and finish our group project.
I'm hiding in a cabinet. I'm going to stay here.
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
I shame-fucked to Hotel California, don't tell me about priorities.
Also this freshmen guy is talking about his gag reflex and no one is making blowjob jokes. I have no faith in the next generation.
Besides, I don't need any more men there who have seen my tits. #bearwatch2014
Phil and I agree that the level of sand in your vagina rivals that of many of the earth's largest deserts
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
Doug the spinning teacher gave me chlyamdia
My bed smells like the plague
Randomize
