Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
I don't think you'd be able to understand Inception if you weren't high...
my goal is to masturbate without thinking about my exbf.
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
I caught him trying to shit in her bed. I asked him why he was doing it and he said "because it's wrong."
Got robbed by knifepoint. Then got sympathy Bj. I might have to walk down Austin ave drunk every weekend
How do you feel? I threw up in a towel. Also, a lot of other things.
I generally just try to vote by which candidate I think has the bigger dick. Sorry Romney.
They have a genuine stripper pole secured to the floor of their living room. I am thoroughly take advantage of it. I've made $5 so far. Why don't more places have poles??!
I need a present that says please like me even though i'm banging your grandson
Learn from me. Do not smoke cigs and fold laundry in your room. The cigarette will fall into the dresser without you noticing and your shirts will be on fire. Wanna go shopping tomorrow? I need some new shirts.
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
how does spending your day off taking me to the hospital sound?
I hurt myself, but I'm pretty sure I saved the carpet.
Thanks to you I can't show my boobs tomorrow for the interview.
You came in wearing a whipped cream bikini what did you think would happen
Randomize