weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
I repeat the shot was ON FIRE. I am never going to a pirate bar again.
I will call him whatever I please, including flaccid dick on forehead guy but not limited to watermelon cunt head.
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
We didn't have sex because he locked himself in the bathroom and passed out while he was taking a shit. I cuddled with his cat.
it went ok. then he slept in a parking lot and took me out for a picnic the next day. boys are confusing.
Idk I somehow continue to get laid by pulling my dick out and reciting the 3 world country orphan kid commercials
We lost you in the mall, but to no surprise we found you waiting in line to sit on santas lap. You said you wanted to ask him for a pound of weed and a subway giftcard for xmas.
just got caught singing "pop that pussy" by a very old man at work. *face palm*
I was gonna jerk off, but then I thought about that movie last night and it killed that idea. I have serious boner trauma.
She turned off her phone alarm (which was the theme song to Star Wars) and then asked me if I wanted a blow job before she went...of course I am going to see her again.
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
You texted me a picture of some random naked guy. Did you lose your virginity?
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