I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
Best friends brother. Beat that.
She greeted me with a new giants jersey and an opening day blowjob. this is true love.
I went out as a member of the house of Gryfindor and came home as Snooki
Literally I thought my ears were pouring out blood. That high.
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
S.O.S. he's talking about horses and breast feeding.
We passed out in his car so I had to find a way to inconspiciously make my walk of shame back inside to go get my shit. To make things more difficult I had no pants and the whole neighborhood was awake
Happy birthday, you long dick monster
Something bad happened. I'm just giving you some notice. So you can smoke some pot and hide all sharp items in the house.
Btw. I have a sinus infection from doing cocaine in a portapotty at a Duran Duran concert. So, gimme a couple of days before y'all start the party.
My prof handed me back my essay on Lesbians in literature, gave me an A and then we had sex in her office. Told you she was gay.
I'm currently drunk proofing my room
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
Come over here. Bongs and porn. I found the promised land
Randomize
