oh my god im such an asshole. i just asked the guitarist of bad religion if he was a scalper.
Could you imagine if a Skynet machine combination of Bob Ross and Chuck Norris were built? It would rule the universe with a soft spoken fan brush of kung fu dominance
It would be truly incredible. I hope we are blessed with this being in our lifetime.
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
Hey they cleaned all the blood out of the elevator. Also could you pick up some nachos?
i saw the poster for your lost tequila... what a shame
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
The only thing he had going for him was mad fingering skills. the ONLY thing. crayons have a wider circumference.
I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
My boss brought her husband's telescope to work, so all of us that work in the MMJ Dispensary got high and had an impromptu Blood Moon viewing party. I love my job.
There's no time frame.
For drinking wine out of the bottle and taking nyquil at 9 AM? There probably should be.
I either forgot underwear this morning or lost them at work and I seriously don't know which.
Love waking up to a new contact named “Pizza” btw
you would not believe who i just fucked on my lunch break
all i know is that i woke up at 12:00 am in a shower with egg shell in my hair. i am 90% sure you are responsible.
I’m not dating him for his personality. I’m dating him so I can steal his dog.
Randomize
