The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
You kept telling that ginger girl, "it's not your fault, it's not your fault, it's not your fault."
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
No, you always delete them without reading. Enjoy the virtue of morning innocence. What are you doing today.
My arms are still sore. Apparently, lube wrestling is the best workout ever.
I think these people may actually be nudists. You know it's bad when I feel uncomfortable.
Apparently it's bring your ugly annoying ass piece of shit slob of a baby day at work
I totally forgot about finals week. im the worst adderall salesman ever.
I want you to know that the guy who peed in your bed got fat.
Now I just sit back and wait to give ass birth to pure evil.
I lost my favorite bra in his hotel room. Is it bad that that's the only reason I hope he texts me tomorrow?
Are you the reason I woke up without pants?
I just got offered free tattoos if I smuggle some guns from OKC to Dallas for a guy in the hells angels
HE IS. YOU SHOULD TOUCH HIS BACK.
IT IS A COURTSHIP RITUAL.
THE MUTUAL BUTT TOUCH IS SACRED.
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
Randomize
