i have i love cock written on my hand and a vagina drawn on my arm and i just finished eating breakfast with the whole fam for mothers day
ahah at least you got away with it
nope...my gran was the one who informed me
we put on a show in the hot tub for our boyfriends, then climbed out and both got down on our hands and knees and puked at the same time--still naked.
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
Apparently the library doesn't care about celebrating the day Jesus became a zombie.
He was a bulldog and my face was like rare meat. Never again with the drunken ones.
There are bruises on the top of my foot. The pole won.
If you're fucking that other dude, I'll take the sloppy seconds. I don't care.
What's worse: not calling my parents in Dallas to make sure they're alright or not taking shelter to masturbate all over my douchebag roommates clothes?
I worry about you.
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
That all sounds beautiful. All I have to offer is my shining personality, extensive amounts of space knowledge, and I hear I am pretty not sucky at sucking dick
If I wear a tail on Halloween, how am I supposed to grind? Maybe I will just wear devil horns
Did I hit my head yesterday? I have a bump on the back of it. Also I just want you to know that I don't blame you for me taking my bikini top off. If I want to be shirtless no man or woman on this earth can stop me.
He had to put his grandma's photo away before I tied him to the bed. She doesn't need to see any of that.
Open the door and I will lure them out to freedom with viagra and candy orange slices. You know they love that shit.
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
Randomize
