i've been throwing up a lot lately. my guess is hangover but who knows morning sickness is always an option
She needs to learn what's it like to have sex with someone and regret it the next day.
I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
My new excuse for sleeping with him was in celebration of his cat's birthday.
I hated hipsters before it was mainstream.
I just remember getting him back by licking the window on his truck.
Dont be alarmed when you find the maintenance guy passed out on your couch. I didn't to explain why I was there so I offered him a drink, I dont know what happened after that.....
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
pretend your vagina is a choco taco and the guy is someone who really loves choco tacos. let him enjoy the choco taco.
I don't think the best pickup line was. Hey I have never made a girl orgasm before but I'm sure it will work on someone like you.
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
My mouth feels like it's at the dentist but my body feels like it's at the strip club.
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
Apparently, im the only one in the world who thinks Larry King is hot.
Randomize
