i'm listening to "transmissions" by The Tea Party from like '97 and waxing my legs. fuck i'm awesome in my alone time
Want to have sex later?
This feels like a trap
You were running around the house with a purple crayon asking people to call you harold..
Dude, this place has 10% alcohol beer on tap. It's like God's semen.
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
There are bruises on the top of my foot. The pole won.
I wish the sun would stop judging me for being drunk while it's still shining.
I walked into your room and you had fallen asleep smoking a cigarette. You just had the butt in your mouth with ash all over your face.
Dude, I had no choice. I was defending my genitals.
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
So I just went to clothing optional bar
We talked about breaking up, had sex, and in the middle of said sex, talked more about breaking up- best sad day ever
i have officially smoked myself stupid. went to wally world to buy soap and toothpaste but got 4 potpies and 2 dessert pies instead. fail.
I had a date last night. His dog threw up in his bed while we were having sex in it.
Randomize
