When we made out her lip\nose ring fell out in my mouth. Awkward?
Jason Williams (yeah the ex-nets center...) drunkenly told me that, while drinking, I should take an ambien and a cialis before i go home...that will "give me a 25 minute window to have sex and then goto sleep before the bitch starts bothering me"....
I thought his dick was headless. then I pulled back the foreskin.
apparently, i ordered a pogo stick last night. i can't even be mad about that.
you sat up and said "i'm the worst kind of roommate, the drunk kind"
Oh god the guy I took underwear from at the bar is trying to add me as a friend on facebook now.
I remember all the people and all the acts I just have to match the person with the act
We found Kyle. He was next door yelling at the elderly couple to let him continue his golf game. No more afternoon drinking for him.
Do pleather leggings scream im easy on a first date?
Yes. He better. Or I will shave a penis into his beard while he sleeps.
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
Here’s how sick I am. I’m not hungry. I don’t want coffee. And I don’t want dick. So, you know it’s bad.
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
grapes are the best munchies food ever cuz like the juice explodes in my mouth and my mouth gets all relieved of dryness. and the skin of the grape is like the food. and theres so many grapes!
Randomize
