you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
WHAT IS WRONG WITH SOCIETY?!?!?!
... says the kid who took a shit in my parents dishwasher...
just rolled a joint with wrapping paper.. and you say i have no christmas spirit
that's the nicest way anyone's ever asked me to send them naked pics before...
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
So in Aca Taco on grad night 1am, this bitch walks in alone drunk as fuck in her gown to the front of the line and says, "I graduated today...thank YOU"
Night just started and I've already seen a woman headbutt a brick wall. Unintentionally. Epic to say the least
Things in my bed this morning: a Waffle House hat, a finding nemo DVD, sharpies, my graduation robes and an adult diaper. Did we play drunk scavenger hunt again?
Rule travel - in 2s or put an ankle monitor on me, and maybe a shock collar.
Got home. All the lights were on. All the doors were unlocked. My room was covered in beads, there's puke in the sink and of course our toilet is still broke. I'd say it was a decent Mardi Gras
I just fell down my stairs, guess that's how my sunday is gonna go
There I was, puking into the toilet, and he was rubbing my feet, buck naked. I feel like a drunk Disney princess.
I yelled at your uterus for you.
I accidentally just texted my dad asking if he wants to do shrooms with me. Do I leave the city now or...
Randomize
