I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
He just got home drunk. He ate 5 snack cakes, said Little Debbie's his bitch, went upstairs and fell asleep.
Well, there goes the no drunk sex injuries resolution.
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
It feels like I'm breathing out my heart and it spreads through my limbs to my fingertips.
Also I think I'm starting to get calluses on my hands from my level of sexual activity
Ur dog was like a damn middle school chaperone this morning trying to lay between us after what he saw us do last night
As the bouncer was escorting you out, you yelled "keep your filthy dick beaters off me!"
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
For real, I've been ditched by my boyfriend twice today alone. I fucking shaved for this guy.
Somewhere out there, Gloria Steinem just started to cry.
You know just a typical night. Eating peanut butter off of tablespoons and having sex to our favorite Christmas carols. This is my favorite time of year.
Wikipedia just saved you three hours and $30 on a bar tab. You should donate.
$5. Donated.
so "excuse the stench" wasn't the correct thing to say when your boyfriend's parents walk in on you shitting. Live and learn
She made me undress her with my teeth...explains the button in my shit this morning...
I feel fine lol. I tried climbing a tree but the branch broke and I got arrested.
Randomize
