I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
She literally crushed my balls between her butt cheeks. It was both the greatest and worst thing ever. Dancers are awesome.
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
like he couldn't stop by and throw me in the back seat and ask for a blowjob? he had to give me flowers?
He always takes me to get taco bell after we hook up in his car. It's sort of become a booty call tradition.
IS SOBER OCTOBER A THING?? WTF WHO ARE THESE PEOPLE?
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
What's sexier than showing up smelling like fast food cigarettes with a jar of moonshine in your hand
You were throwing cups at people in the basement, yelling at them to get out of your swamp.
I have a to do list for the summer and thing one is figuring out my sexual orientation
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
Wearing my one sleeve dress...thought you'd like to know I shaved ONE armpit lol
Highlight your past hook-ups. You've been stabbed, shot at, run over, and chased down the road...no you can't bring new bar bitch over here!
Dude she has a friend!!!!
Never going back to jail again. Only time in my life I've ever had a wet dream about jerking it...
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