Yeah I gave the girl a dirty look. And only a three dollar tip.
For some reason fuck navy didn't go over quite as well as say fuck michigan;
He's really hot. I think he's gonna be my reason to shave this winter.
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
she puked ON me while she was on top, worst holiday hookup ever
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
Imma do me. And by that, I mean I'm going to walk across campus still drunk at 9am on a Tuesday.
Are you feeling okay?
Right now, not a single thing feels even slightly okay. That hungover.
After getting all 4 of my wisdom teeth removed I asked my dentist how much better would I be at head
You think he will forgive me for the paper being a week late if I bring him a beer?
...it's a 9am class...
I peed outside 4 times after the bar, safe to say I had great night
I think I should've done my makeup before I took the acid. Because now I just feel silly looking at myself in the mirror
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
you would not believe who i just fucked on my lunch break
Last thing I remember at your house last night is your dad leaning on the beer pong table and saying "you guys can fucking party"
Randomize
