I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
Doing tuck and rolls down a stair case was not my brightest idea
Why is there a keg in our kitchen? I'm not complaining but why is there a keg in our kitchen?
I'm not liking this ratio of moving to blowjobs...
Well who could blame her. I would run away from me if I could.
I walked into a McDonalds at 8:30 am with a half-eaten apple and a solo cup. Never felt so judged.
It's gameday bitch. Man up.
Playing nyquil pong with a cat again
He played with my boobs the whole time we watched Scott Pilgrim and then started invited others to play with them too. It reminded me of how my mom gives out my french fries without asking.
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
We're too hungover to prance.
I was the oldest, shortest, and soberest at the New Years party last night. My life sucks
Literally had sex in his grow room under a plant.. ganja queen .
how do you tell someone, in the most complimentary way possible, that they would make an excellent stripper?
Randomize
