I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
Maury Povich's contact info is in our database at work...i should steal it right?
The old saying is "its not the size of the boat-- but the motion of the ocean" is obviously for those on the "Small side." I am of the belief that "You can't churn butter with a toothpick"
she has an amazing ass but I need more beers to get past her horse face. It works out perfect becauseI can use her teeth as a bottle opener.
This guy randomly got in our taxi, and has now collapsed on the sofa anouncing that he's staying the night.
I said we should get a taxi and you were waving down cars, three of which were cops and one of them slowed down and shook his head then kept driving
He didn't think we needed a taxi
Professor just informed us that she can't come to class today because her daughter broke her glasses and she can not see where she is going. Am I still drunk from this weekend?
Let's make an agreement. No drugs until you finish all your homework. I'm hiding them as we speak.
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
I'm gonna try and get through this weekend sober, which is gonna be tough especially since I've already started drinking.
I just had drunken sex with an eagle scout behind the boy scouts of america building. what has my life come to?!
what do you mean he's functionally heterosexual
I got home and found him passed out in my tank top so i think i'll put lipstick on him and mass text a picture to everyone in his phone. that's what he gets for eating all my wheat thins
yeah....try hearing them in person. it sounds like two muppets going at it
So I hung out with an australian but woke up with a British man in my bed does that make me culturalized
Randomize
