I sent you an email today but due to work restrictions, I had to misspell choke sex
when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
he was drinking wine. Puking into an empty water bottle. And eating french toast. ....All at the same time.
Ryan learned the all important lesson tonight; Red Bull gives you wings, Jaeger gives you gravity.
We're at the urgent care down the street from you if you care to stop by
How do I tell a friend I drunkenly broke into his house and may have lost his dog
I wore sweatpants. When I show up to a booty call in sweatpants there's your warning
I just ran into the married chick you banged 2 years ago at our apt! She asked me if I could get her coke! Memories bro. Memories
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
We made a pact to go to the nursing home together... that way we could stay high till the bitter end. Do you not remember?
He's nice to look at and knows the difference between your and you're. I win.
Nothing says "Happy New Year" like having to shit into a plastic bag.
That guy I hooked up with in new york last 2 statuses are "I'm going to be a father, it's a girl" then "wow syphilis sure does burn" I'm legit scared... What has my life come to.
I gave her a cheerful high five and she turned to me and said, "we should do that with our genitals." I may have to marry this girl.
Well it was okay until he pinned my arms over my head and I found the loaded pistol tucked behind the bed... THIS IS WHY WE DON'T FUCK BOYS IN MONTANA ANYMORE
Randomize